How to Heal after a Break-up

There is only one thing to do when you are dying of a broken heart.  Work.  Work harder and harder.  This is the time to accomplish pushed aside goals.  Eventually time does the rest.  I will start to work from home again and all hours.  Today I just have to stay in bed.  Today I cannot breathe or feel.  Numb.  

My most recent ex sent me a three sentence email about how she was not ready for me to be gone.  But you tell me,  if all you have to say is three statements I would speculate you are more ready than you think. <weak smile>.  I have to get going because she will take her car back soon and she will go on and probably give it back to her ex and that will be really hard on me.  Not the car but the ex.  I have my own cars.  For several reasons I just do not want to share that pain or the pain I have carried really the course of this relationship.  All I can try and do is be still now and hope one day someone will want to be with me minus unattractive psycho sisters, young women calling my job and someone who is not carrying every hurt they have experienced in life and putting it on me.  Why can't people utilize psychotherapy when needed I wonder.  But then I didn't know once I could use it.  

I have to give up hopes of a two parent family for the child I am trying to conceive but "sweet child to be", please know I tried everything to create you out of love with someone else, another Mom.  This however, has given me an idea.  I will write my "children to be" letters.  It is a way I can stay positive and a way they will know how much I loved and wanted to have them.  That can keep me busy too......   

Failing....

My friend is always talking about being a failure because her marriage did not last. Well try being gay and not getting a woman to commit to you or even want to. Try dating someone for years and for nothing to come of it. At least she can divorce, at least there is some sign or show that someone once cared. She has a sheet of paper that it ended at least. I am left holding my own hand and trying to keep my heart from breaking. Try loving someone who is obsessed with their sister and who is a habitual liar and terribly immature and still loving them. Try that. Try trying to be good to someone and possibly what they need, their one time reliable love and they still do not want you. Try listening to someone tell you they finally know you care because you show pain or hurt when things go awry. Then try listening to someone who you love never defend you or honor you and hides you. Try that.

I am not going to try again. Homosexual relationships are just too hard on my heart. Try fighting all the time about an ex for once that I do not love intimately. Try finally getting to a place where my heart can love one woman and it still not being good enough. Failing, my friend does not know shit about it.

I am in love........

Today we received the "lifetime photos" for our sperm donor. I was so excited to receive the pics that I parked in my driveway to tear open the package. Take a deep breath I think and I do. I open the package to see this young man I will one day thank for helping me possibly create my family. He seems happy which makes me happy. I love him instantly, happy he is helping me. He probably has no idea how grateful I am to him. I must say, thank you God, Yahweh, Buddha, Universe, etc........ THANK YOU! Our son or daughter could have this natural kindness, happiness I pray. I get so hopeful each time..... However, if you are like my Mom and others, you are a skeptic and think pictures lie. Pictures tell you nothing. I don't believe that though. I know from his face and his live interview he is thoughtful and loving and if those are genes then our baby will inherit that! I also note he seems a bit sad on his latest picture and I wonder why. Well I know why, with age comes a certain loss of freedom. You cannot be oblivious to pains forever. I think about his pics a little more. Then I hurriedly took pics to send to my airmen/woman, GF. I should wait to wake her. But what the hell, I could not wait. She is five hours behind me but I know she wants to see him too. We seldom agree on much but INSTANTLY we both loved this donor. His young face seems warm I tell my GF, just as his voice did. She says he is cute. Yep, he is but I am more interested in that happy piece. As she asks about the various pics (you get pics from all stages of life), I pray. Please let this be the one, let ten be my lucky number, oh and let me have twins so I do not have to go through the needles again;-). If I am gonna ask for favors, may as well do it big....hehe! So basically what you can learn about a donor is cryobank dependent. You can get quite a few things to help you make your decision. God knows I went from having a team of friends to thin out my searches to flat out refusing donors that were not "genius" sperm. Genius sperm means they have a doctorate in something. I was worried since we know so little about genes that I did not want to sell them short on wits. I was nuts with deciding at first. Frankly, I was getting overwhelmed very quickly when my Mom called and had me watch an Oprah show regarding donor conceived children. I was horrified at how angry some, well really all, except for one of these offsprings were. I also did not really like the "genius" sperm donors. They seemed callous, did it for money. Simply stated, they FELT WRONG! I quickly changed my focus. My choice in donors came down to three things, disease states, how willing I thought they would be if our child wanted to meet them and one question. That one question weighed a lot because at the end of the day, I want a child who can be happy. The question is what would you say to your offspring if you could say one thing. You would be surprised what some will say but basically our sperm donor said what is my basic philosophy, "To thine own self be true." And he looked forward to meeting them one day. I did not want a donor who wanted to parent but I also did not want a donor who would be insane at meeting a child.

I guess I want to send a personal thank you to men who donate sperm. I hope they understand their sperm could possibly go to a lesbian or a lesbian couple like me. I really appreciate all the donors whose sperm I have used in my efforts to create my baby too. Now in a few more weeks, I will start this journey again and maybe ten will be it for me. Fingers and toes crossed!

Stay Classy, E

Another day in the life of infertility

Maybe you wanted to laugh today. If so, don’t read my post. I am not feeling funny. Today seemed like I watched myself outside of my body as I made it through work. I saw me but I wasn’t there. I guess you need some background on how I became this seemingly mess of a person. I am a 38 year old lesbian trying to conceive. My life has been consumed with conceiving to no avail for almost three years. People love to tell you to never give up but I wish they would shut the F#$K up! I am a woman who succeeds. Whatever I want, I work at it and I get it. That is my genetic make up. I decide it, and it shall be. Well, it was who I was…… Its unfortunate and very humbling for me trying to conceive as I was trained and reared to be successful. Who knew there were miracles? Real miracles on earth! I guess I know now, because making a baby really appears to be miraculous as there is nothing I can do, no test I can pass, nothing I can eat, no one I can pay to conceive, nothing to bring me my baby I so desperately want.

So today I met with RE, Reproductive Endocrinologist again to go over what happened. I fought to not stare out the window and pay attention. But frankly I am bored with the details. I just want my baby. I listen how we would implant more eggs in me this time and how I would hopefully get better eggs. I studied eggs all night and how they multiply after fertilization. They grade eggs you know. Anyhow, the finale of the story is I will start giving myself shots in the butt again and shots in my stomach sometime in November. I do not know how I felt about it. I guess the appointment went well, but I am pass caring about the process. I am looking for my results. Instead of say this to my doctor though, I do what I always do. I smiled gracefully and said thank you and left. But this is just the infertility part of me. There is so much more to my life these days like “the relationship”…. But you just met me so tune in for more on how my life unfolds.

And stay classy,
E

The Day After IVF

My GF slept in another room the night before my procedure. The day of the procedure she was okay with the exception of some rude and inappropriate comments. The day after the procedure she spends most of her time on the phone or on the internet in another room. I guess its safe to say its over for me. I cannot do it any more. When she leaves I am not taking her calls or any thing. I need a stress free life and she has to go!

What my life is supposed to be.....

I have fifty million projects and I suddenly get what life will be for me. I have sat around all day for a fucking handyman who never showed. When my GF comes to town she takes care of none of these things for me or helps in any way. But she is geeked to go to Hawaii, her next permanent station to live for three years. She is geeked over some award she is getting and completely self absorbed as usual. And it has worn on me. I am sick of it and her.

I on the other hand, am feeling lower than low and wondering what have I accomplished, has my life progressed. My friend Marlo just adopted a baby girl. Everyone is moving along as I head to my next break-up, another disappointment. I am tired of my GF and I am almost completely done with it. How can I continue to love someone I cannot respect. Who allows people to disrespect me. I guess because she bought me this big ring I thought somehow it was definitely love. But all she does is say it with little action. I do not mind giving the ring back either. I do not care, a ring that does not symbolize shit I don't need.

If I need help I cannot ask her and it is just how I felt with my ex. They help "other" women but not me. I just cannot do it anymore.

So what life will be for me, is me trying to handle everything always with no help. I do not need another person in my life who does not add to me. I just do not see any thing that I get from this any more if I ever did. I am in a bad place with her. But whatever, I made plans to start IVF and go to adoption class. I do not believe the old saying, there is someone for everyone. Not if they mean as in lover. I have friends. I have friends that were made for me, but not a mate. Signed, E

Brokenhearted written 1/18/10

She just asked me was it over. Sure it is. She acts like she could care less. I am getting emails and she could care less. I am so disappointed.

Suspicious written 1/14/10

Without asking I read this email where my GF is complimentary of Jerico. I am very suspicious of this. She barely has any compassion to me but she talks to all these people who I know nothing about. She is looking for an apartment. She does not mention it. So much, I have to read about and I resent it. I need to think. This time I am not going to tell her I am thinking but I am going to get my ducks in a row.

The Finale written 1/17/10

My GF calls me and tells me I do not have to be rude to her.

New Phucking Year Right? written 1/1/10

I have a headache. Life is wearing me down. An effort is made for everything. I mean seriously. I cannot get a thing done. My GF is a facebook nazi which is certainly on my flipping nerve. My parents are being lousy. My sister though is happy. That's nice. I have a new boss who is needy and a staff that is crazy. I have no gotdamn time for it. I have no time for life.

I am depressed. My house is a wreck. I may be in a relationship with someone incapable of being in a relationship. I no longer post live posts bc I do not want to share my craziness. I have been watching the Kardashians. This has been entertaining.

My Dad just called in an awkward five minute call to say happy new year. We always talked at Noon. So much has changed since I am gay. He tells me he just got back from a breakfast I was invited to. I said I did not read J's email which is true. I do not have time. Family as we know it is over. I do not have the family I once had.

Looking back I was raised to be anxious. I base this on my oldest godchild. She is anxious. A somewhat mean little girl with manipulative ways and already anxious. Somehow she sees it. I am constantly worried. I remember when my Dad took Valium. He used to get stress bumps in the back of his head. My Mom said all she can do is be supportive of my sister. When you talk about a guy, she can see being supportive but none of that for me. This pisses me off about my Mom. My Dad too. He feels the same way as her, he just does not speak about it because he is most calculating. I will never forget his conversation with me. They killed me. They do now.

I hate my bosses and job. I hate my life. I go to therapy on the 20th. I hope I can make it. It would be great to end things though.

So You Marry A Family written 12/25/09

For the most part I cannot bare the thought of spending any time with my significant other's family ever. I do not want to even do it for an hour. I see my partner's sister emailed her but does not ask about me or send holiday wishes to me. The level of disrespect starts there. Nor can I feel anything for someone who is so cowardly. She acted a fool today and I will not forget it, no matter the gifts. I could care less about them though I love them. I mean I could have gotten them myself eventually. All I have said is if a person disrespects who you love with the exception of your parents, you drop but this constant lack of respect for me starts with her. I feel its over for me and I want out. I told her so too. The day got a little better and she told me meaningless I love yous because I no longer believe her. From how we started, to the women issues, to the constant lack of respect of me that she allows how could I continue to love her. How could I really? I am going to start to pull away. I just want it over and her out of my life. Each time I see the blatant disregard for me that she allows, it disgusts me.

Precious written 12.12.09

Today my GF tells me her sister is in town. I ask did she bring the rest of the family with her. She said no, she left her daughter. I ask why would she leave her daughter and she replies she always does that. I ask my GF does she think that is appropriate for her niece's age. She said it depends on the circumstances. I think it does not. I was instantly perturbed. Especially after seeing Precious yesterday. Now I realize why my Mom was always there. Not that I think MY father would have done anything to us but I understand that my Mother could not be sure. I suddenly understand why most women take their kids with them wherever they go. I did not say anything to my GF but I recognize I probably will never find someone with values like mine. Everything is okay in this world to everybody if it's convenient. In Precious they did not touch on it much, just eluded to things with her Mom as well. It appears Precious had to do favors for her Mother which was even more disturbing. I need to know that my GF will not go with everything just to be accepted. Is she serious in thinking leaving a teen girl with a man who is not her Father is okay.