In Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers, it does and in my relationship I think age matters. Though my GF is only a few months younger than me, she would have been a grade behind me too. We entered adulthood therefore at different times. We therefore handle life's situations very different. Yes everyone gets to be different but some things I just cannot take at almost 38. I am close to leaving this relationship and I have told her this but she does not get how serious I am. I have made drastic changes but due to youthfulness and thinking love conquers all she believes love wins out. Lots of people have claimed love and left someone. When I recognize she was getting sad in Iraq I sent her couples questions daily, love stories about her and I via a kind of mad lib for adults, I sent her a site for us to do a virtual wedding and so on. As you can see I became creative. Then it dawned on me. She said she never wrote her GF or anything while she was away. I realized she was doing this to me. Constant pressure to inseminate. Hell, I was waiting on an okay for a biopsy. It seems like she is trying to recreate her past relationship or she thinks children will cure whatever voids she has due to her family. Either way I cannot fill any voids. I wanted to end until she got counseling because I think her issues are too great for me and I have no idea how to help anyone with issues. I also do not want to help someone with the type of issues she has. Why is it so hard to find someone ready for a relationship minus ENORMOUS familial issues. Can Black people ever identify when to seek help, professional help and not Jesus. I believe Black people can become so fixated on Jesus and praying that they do not get Jesus created the founder of psychology and psychiatrists, psychologists, etc..., so it is cool to go to them. So basically if my GF thinks I try to do something she retaliates. I told her I could do this as well but I hadn't till lately. Why devote so much time and she doesn't? Isn't that what has frustrated me in my previous relationships? Of course she is at war, but she takes spin, aerobics, they have parties, old school nights, etc.... She told me she knows she has not been doing what she is supposed to and just like that I changed. She just ask me is something wrong? Why mention it? She cannot ever see past what she feels and that is youthful isn't it? Just so many things I cannot take at 37 that I could at 27. Though I often say I love who I was, I love who I am becoming too now lately. I am much stronger, not this breakable girl, falling for everyone's bullshit. I finally have become who I need to be to parent and well, to conquer my greatest fears. So I am only giving people a short time to get it right in my life. I am not living in the shadows of other women, not listening to a million excuses. No more am I tolerating less than I deserve. I have done enough of that to date. Well let me lay back for a minute and reflect on life then I will catch up on email.
Signed,
E
11/28/09
11/26/09
Two Years Later.....
It has been two years since I started blogging. So much has changed yet so little of it worthwhile. Where to begin. It's Thanksgiving and I personally take no pleasure in the holidays anymore as it is a constant reminder of what I feel is missing in my life.
I got rid of my earlier blogs because I was being harassed by my girlfriends ex friend/lover or whatever lies people say when they have been intimate with another but gave it no title. My GF is in the military and I did not want to create any problems for her. Anyhow, the woman called my job, my private line. Yes, at 37 I have to endure dumb shit like this. She emailed me and forced my GF to come clean about the nature of them or what was them or is them. Whoever knows who tells the truth anymore. I just remember becoming numb. This happened a while ago, maybe two months but I feel numb again. I am not made for this world. I am tired of the games people play, the dishonesty, the disappointment, just tired.
Still my once biggest hope and joy has almost faded for me. My dreams of having a baby are almost gone. I am trying not to get in a deeper funk but my life appears to be filled with helping people solve their shit both personally and professionally while I struggle through my pains and shortcomings alone. I seldom go anywhere or have the energy to do anything. Tomorrow is Black Friday and I have no desire to shop. Just do not care. And I love to shop which is a big sign of issues for me. I guess shopping can no longer feel the voids in my life.
I should go to work tomorrow except I would lose the time, but who cares really. It would give me something to do.
Currently, my GF and I are looking at new sperm banks as I have refused to let her help me financially and I can no longer afford genius sperm or known donor sperm. I asked her a question about why this sperm bank was so much cheaper compared to others and always everything is turned around on me. I thought you would have found that out she says. What does she do? All she cares about is herself it seems sometimes and I am sick of it. What is the point of being in anything when no one can think of what you can't, fix what you can't, carry you when you can't carry yourself. People are supposed to add to you because if they don't, you are carrying them and that is a burden.
I have so much to consider. If I start to save again then it will delay my maybe getting pregnant. And I am no longer sure of my GF due to a mix of things but basically because she reminds me lately of why I left every relationship. And she has not given me any proof that she no longer financially takes care of her ex. What can I say, life has changed me and blind trust no longer exists for me. She takes my concerns and issues lightly and she shouldn't. I try and tell her that. Who I once was, life and circumstances killed her. Its such a shame too because I loved who I was before disappointments and unpleasant surprises. But I guess that was not the hand I was dealt.
Signed, E
I got rid of my earlier blogs because I was being harassed by my girlfriends ex friend/lover or whatever lies people say when they have been intimate with another but gave it no title. My GF is in the military and I did not want to create any problems for her. Anyhow, the woman called my job, my private line. Yes, at 37 I have to endure dumb shit like this. She emailed me and forced my GF to come clean about the nature of them or what was them or is them. Whoever knows who tells the truth anymore. I just remember becoming numb. This happened a while ago, maybe two months but I feel numb again. I am not made for this world. I am tired of the games people play, the dishonesty, the disappointment, just tired.
Still my once biggest hope and joy has almost faded for me. My dreams of having a baby are almost gone. I am trying not to get in a deeper funk but my life appears to be filled with helping people solve their shit both personally and professionally while I struggle through my pains and shortcomings alone. I seldom go anywhere or have the energy to do anything. Tomorrow is Black Friday and I have no desire to shop. Just do not care. And I love to shop which is a big sign of issues for me. I guess shopping can no longer feel the voids in my life.
I should go to work tomorrow except I would lose the time, but who cares really. It would give me something to do.
Currently, my GF and I are looking at new sperm banks as I have refused to let her help me financially and I can no longer afford genius sperm or known donor sperm. I asked her a question about why this sperm bank was so much cheaper compared to others and always everything is turned around on me. I thought you would have found that out she says. What does she do? All she cares about is herself it seems sometimes and I am sick of it. What is the point of being in anything when no one can think of what you can't, fix what you can't, carry you when you can't carry yourself. People are supposed to add to you because if they don't, you are carrying them and that is a burden.
I have so much to consider. If I start to save again then it will delay my maybe getting pregnant. And I am no longer sure of my GF due to a mix of things but basically because she reminds me lately of why I left every relationship. And she has not given me any proof that she no longer financially takes care of her ex. What can I say, life has changed me and blind trust no longer exists for me. She takes my concerns and issues lightly and she shouldn't. I try and tell her that. Who I once was, life and circumstances killed her. Its such a shame too because I loved who I was before disappointments and unpleasant surprises. But I guess that was not the hand I was dealt.
Signed, E
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