I have fifty million projects and I suddenly get what life will be for me. I have sat around all day for a fucking handyman who never showed. When my GF comes to town she takes care of none of these things for me or helps in any way. But she is geeked to go to Hawaii, her next permanent station to live for three years. She is geeked over some award she is getting and completely self absorbed as usual. And it has worn on me. I am sick of it and her.
I on the other hand, am feeling lower than low and wondering what have I accomplished, has my life progressed. My friend Marlo just adopted a baby girl. Everyone is moving along as I head to my next break-up, another disappointment. I am tired of my GF and I am almost completely done with it. How can I continue to love someone I cannot respect. Who allows people to disrespect me. I guess because she bought me this big ring I thought somehow it was definitely love. But all she does is say it with little action. I do not mind giving the ring back either. I do not care, a ring that does not symbolize shit I don't need.
If I need help I cannot ask her and it is just how I felt with my ex. They help "other" women but not me. I just cannot do it anymore.
So what life will be for me, is me trying to handle everything always with no help. I do not need another person in my life who does not add to me. I just do not see any thing that I get from this any more if I ever did. I am in a bad place with her. But whatever, I made plans to start IVF and go to adoption class. I do not believe the old saying, there is someone for everyone. Not if they mean as in lover. I have friends. I have friends that were made for me, but not a mate. Signed, E
4/17/10
Brokenhearted written 1/18/10
She just asked me was it over. Sure it is. She acts like she could care less. I am getting emails and she could care less. I am so disappointed.
Suspicious written 1/14/10
Without asking I read this email where my GF is complimentary of Jerico. I am very suspicious of this. She barely has any compassion to me but she talks to all these people who I know nothing about. She is looking for an apartment. She does not mention it. So much, I have to read about and I resent it. I need to think. This time I am not going to tell her I am thinking but I am going to get my ducks in a row.
New Phucking Year Right? written 1/1/10
I have a headache. Life is wearing me down. An effort is made for everything. I mean seriously. I cannot get a thing done. My GF is a facebook nazi which is certainly on my flipping nerve. My parents are being lousy. My sister though is happy. That's nice. I have a new boss who is needy and a staff that is crazy. I have no gotdamn time for it. I have no time for life.
I am depressed. My house is a wreck. I may be in a relationship with someone incapable of being in a relationship. I no longer post live posts bc I do not want to share my craziness. I have been watching the Kardashians. This has been entertaining.
My Dad just called in an awkward five minute call to say happy new year. We always talked at Noon. So much has changed since I am gay. He tells me he just got back from a breakfast I was invited to. I said I did not read J's email which is true. I do not have time. Family as we know it is over. I do not have the family I once had.
Looking back I was raised to be anxious. I base this on my oldest godchild. She is anxious. A somewhat mean little girl with manipulative ways and already anxious. Somehow she sees it. I am constantly worried. I remember when my Dad took Valium. He used to get stress bumps in the back of his head. My Mom said all she can do is be supportive of my sister. When you talk about a guy, she can see being supportive but none of that for me. This pisses me off about my Mom. My Dad too. He feels the same way as her, he just does not speak about it because he is most calculating. I will never forget his conversation with me. They killed me. They do now.
I hate my bosses and job. I hate my life. I go to therapy on the 20th. I hope I can make it. It would be great to end things though.
I am depressed. My house is a wreck. I may be in a relationship with someone incapable of being in a relationship. I no longer post live posts bc I do not want to share my craziness. I have been watching the Kardashians. This has been entertaining.
My Dad just called in an awkward five minute call to say happy new year. We always talked at Noon. So much has changed since I am gay. He tells me he just got back from a breakfast I was invited to. I said I did not read J's email which is true. I do not have time. Family as we know it is over. I do not have the family I once had.
Looking back I was raised to be anxious. I base this on my oldest godchild. She is anxious. A somewhat mean little girl with manipulative ways and already anxious. Somehow she sees it. I am constantly worried. I remember when my Dad took Valium. He used to get stress bumps in the back of his head. My Mom said all she can do is be supportive of my sister. When you talk about a guy, she can see being supportive but none of that for me. This pisses me off about my Mom. My Dad too. He feels the same way as her, he just does not speak about it because he is most calculating. I will never forget his conversation with me. They killed me. They do now.
I hate my bosses and job. I hate my life. I go to therapy on the 20th. I hope I can make it. It would be great to end things though.
So You Marry A Family written 12/25/09
For the most part I cannot bare the thought of spending any time with my significant other's family ever. I do not want to even do it for an hour. I see my partner's sister emailed her but does not ask about me or send holiday wishes to me. The level of disrespect starts there. Nor can I feel anything for someone who is so cowardly. She acted a fool today and I will not forget it, no matter the gifts. I could care less about them though I love them. I mean I could have gotten them myself eventually. All I have said is if a person disrespects who you love with the exception of your parents, you drop but this constant lack of respect for me starts with her. I feel its over for me and I want out. I told her so too. The day got a little better and she told me meaningless I love yous because I no longer believe her. From how we started, to the women issues, to the constant lack of respect of me that she allows how could I continue to love her. How could I really? I am going to start to pull away. I just want it over and her out of my life. Each time I see the blatant disregard for me that she allows, it disgusts me.
Precious written 12.12.09
Today my GF tells me her sister is in town. I ask did she bring the rest of the family with her. She said no, she left her daughter. I ask why would she leave her daughter and she replies she always does that. I ask my GF does she think that is appropriate for her niece's age. She said it depends on the circumstances. I think it does not. I was instantly perturbed. Especially after seeing Precious yesterday. Now I realize why my Mom was always there. Not that I think MY father would have done anything to us but I understand that my Mother could not be sure. I suddenly understand why most women take their kids with them wherever they go. I did not say anything to my GF but I recognize I probably will never find someone with values like mine. Everything is okay in this world to everybody if it's convenient. In Precious they did not touch on it much, just eluded to things with her Mom as well. It appears Precious had to do favors for her Mother which was even more disturbing. I need to know that my GF will not go with everything just to be accepted. Is she serious in thinking leaving a teen girl with a man who is not her Father is okay.
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