New Phucking Year Right? written 1/1/10

I have a headache. Life is wearing me down. An effort is made for everything. I mean seriously. I cannot get a thing done. My GF is a facebook nazi which is certainly on my flipping nerve. My parents are being lousy. My sister though is happy. That's nice. I have a new boss who is needy and a staff that is crazy. I have no gotdamn time for it. I have no time for life.

I am depressed. My house is a wreck. I may be in a relationship with someone incapable of being in a relationship. I no longer post live posts bc I do not want to share my craziness. I have been watching the Kardashians. This has been entertaining.

My Dad just called in an awkward five minute call to say happy new year. We always talked at Noon. So much has changed since I am gay. He tells me he just got back from a breakfast I was invited to. I said I did not read J's email which is true. I do not have time. Family as we know it is over. I do not have the family I once had.

Looking back I was raised to be anxious. I base this on my oldest godchild. She is anxious. A somewhat mean little girl with manipulative ways and already anxious. Somehow she sees it. I am constantly worried. I remember when my Dad took Valium. He used to get stress bumps in the back of his head. My Mom said all she can do is be supportive of my sister. When you talk about a guy, she can see being supportive but none of that for me. This pisses me off about my Mom. My Dad too. He feels the same way as her, he just does not speak about it because he is most calculating. I will never forget his conversation with me. They killed me. They do now.

I hate my bosses and job. I hate my life. I go to therapy on the 20th. I hope I can make it. It would be great to end things though.