Innocence Stolen

Do you remember when you were innocent?  I do.  I remember when I believed everything and anything someone told me.  Why?  I knew of no reason for someone to lie.  After all, my parents were honest and direct much to my sister and my chagrin.  I do not know when disappointments outweighed the happy times yet I know they do now.  I have managed to get much done which is both good and bad.  It is good I am cleaning house and bad I am cleaning house.  What I never wanted to happen has happened.  I never wanted my core being to change by experiences that happened to me, yet here I am.  I was trusting and I am not any more.  I was compassionate, but I do not trust that people's hardships or their stories of woe are sincere.  I was caring, except I am often cold and indifferent.  I can only hope and pray that some of my innocence stolen from people to careless to hold and care for hearts will be found again.   Signed, E

The Masquerade Ball

You could compare my life to a masquerade ball.   I masquerade as not hurt, not bruised, not weathered, damaged, not depressed.  I masquerade as happy until I make it to my car and cry all the way home lately.  I masquerade in so many ways.  Today Felicia became Michelle.  As she sat on the phone I remember how bad it got before with the worse relationship to date in terms of pain till Felicia.  I never thought I could be hurt like this again but here I am.  I remember how bad it got when I stayed.  I remember how bad it is getting for me now.  <sigh>.  I felt like she was all I had, well wanted.  My only love, my happiness, my life.  It is the absolute worse feeling to lose the one you love, especially in life.  There is no greater pain and though I know I will heal one day, it changes you when a person breaks your heart. 

 

I am tired of pretending like life is okay.l  I am tired of hiding the hurt, the grave disappointment.  I am tired of it all.  I will not be able to keep it up much longer anyway anyhow.  Still I have to work and pretend some more.  After all, it is no one's fault here that I feel like I am dying.  Like my heart is literally dying.  Good Morning I say to all as I come in.  How are you?  But I don't care how anyone is...  I just want to cry and lay in my bed and count down my time left here.  I never got how someone comes to not love you any more.  I never did that.  I never just stopped loving someone.  I am kicked away like a dog.  That is how Felicia treated me and has been treating me and I have tried to hang on and give it time.  I guess that is my problem.  I keep trying till it gets so tough and humiliating I am forced to leave.  Yesterday someone made a reference about doing something like Felicia and I do.  It was the first time I heard that someone wanted to be like us.  I said nothing.  But that made me both happy and sad.  Happy, people see us as love,  though it is just me.  I read what Nae and Danielle write about their girls and wish Felicia said those things about me.  Wrote about loving me.  I wish she never wanted to live without me but that is not so.            

 

I asked her when did she start seeing someone else.  I knew my heart would break even more but I am trying to be brave.  In additiion knowing will help me leave and stay gone.  When did she stop loving me I wonder.  She promised my heart says.  I will not believe anyone's promises again.  I told my Mom I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.  I want to leave this job right now and just walk home, cry and walk home.   I am ashamed to say that in my life, love has never known me.  No one, not one of my exes including Felicia has ever loved me.  How sad is that.  I have lived 38 years and have never known love.  Felicia has done and did a lot of things to break my trust.  And she has never not talked to me when her Mom was on the phone.  I have to move on and today that starts for me, like it or not.  When she said I guess we do not sleep together any more after I have always done it to help her, I knew I would try with all I had to walk away.  Signed, E                                                                                                                                 

Oh And.....

I forgot to add I am not pregnant again. I was so sure. This is what started my final fight with my girlfriend. I got the news at my desk and I cried at my desk some. I had to leave work early and then I sobbed all the way home. My GF said to me, "she did not come from a family where they sulked over things." She told me I needed to get over it. I did get over it but not before I went ballistic on her. I cursed her out and I talked about her families pains and what I knew they sulked over.  I was in pain. The hope and wishing almost killed me.  How dare she say that to me.  I could see my kids wrapped around my ankles. I dream about holding them, having them. I see their faces of what I think they will look like.  They would have my eyes and her calm demeanor.  I dreamed of walking them to school.  I know their names.  I screamed at her for not being able to show me any compassion. Its like I lose them every time I think as I cried to her on the phone.   She was like whatever basically.  I see the eggs they put in me though.  Its a life I think. Its a life I cry.  So comes my twelfth try.  Now I wonder do I give up.  They are supposed to be here, my children.  I have to keep trying.  If it kills me I will have them.

Brokenhearted.....

I am trying to keep the tears from coming again.  Seems like I am always crying at my desk.  My desk has seen a lot of sadness, tears from me......  I cannot believe she broke my heart.  Well, she has, several times.  Spent a minute looking for a smiley face that would show a weak smile because that is what the thought of Felicia breaking my heart does for me.  It makes me smile but sadly smile.  You know glad it happened but sad its over I guess.  

Hurt and pain appears to be my life.  "Love you like a brother, treat you like a friend, respect you like a lover" is playing in my ears as I try to keep my composure.  I sent her this song too.....  which she did not download.  "Even when the sky keeps falling and even when the sun don't shine, I got faith in you and I".  I did have faith.   It says "this love is a sure thang".  She told me she would not have sex with me I am embarrassed to say if I would not use toys or try something new.  Some one is always trying to make me be something I am not.  I am sure my parents will be happy.  I am sure everyone will be, deep down.   The tears came.  I could not stop them.  I am trying to make sure no one can see me crying.  Crying at my desk, again.  Should I go to the bathroom AGAIN.  How many times have I cried at my desk ABOUT her.  My sister is so nice.  Just take a step away she said.  We are not in an argument I think to myself.  She is not trying to meet my emotional needs and has become cold and callous towards me.  I do not need it I know.  I am not letting her sister treat me any type of way either.  I will not.  She should love me or care about me enough to demand respect of me.  I would and do for her....  I need to get her truck to her and get my old car to me pronto.   

So I made it through the day and now I can cry in peace.  No one ever loves me like I love them.  No one.  Not my family and not her.  I guess it will have to be okay because I do not want to hurt Felicia and I want her to be happy.  If I know nothing else, I know through experience, if someone does not want you any more, you have to leave.  They will hurt you if you don't.  If she does not love me any more I want her to find what she needs.  I wish it were me but I do not always get what I want.  I am heartbroken.  I would have always loved her.  Always.  Thats just me.  I always find a way to remember love.  It is my secret.  

I only told my sister and my one friend about this oh and my boss.  So she can expect a weird mood from me from here on out.  My one sure thang, my love, my life is gone.  I am not ready to talk about it as I will cry like I am now.  Nothing works out for me really that involves another.  

The upside is Martin asked me out today.  He is new to my fan club.  I have no problem getting people but people use me up and then leave.  Martin told me I was beautiful.  I did not care.  I do not want to hear it from him.  I am not starved for attention.  I want one woman only.  Well I guess its good I am getting close to the end of the story.  All I hear is her saying I forgot to call you.  I never forgot her.  I never would.  Forgiveness, even if you do not love me any more Felicia.