You could compare my life to a masquerade ball. I masquerade as not hurt, not bruised, not weathered, damaged, not depressed. I masquerade as happy until I make it to my car and cry all the way home lately. I masquerade in so many ways. Today Felicia became Michelle. As she sat on the phone I remember how bad it got before with the worse relationship to date in terms of pain till Felicia. I never thought I could be hurt like this again but here I am. I remember how bad it got when I stayed. I remember how bad it is getting for me now. <sigh>. I felt like she was all I had, well wanted. My only love, my happiness, my life. It is the absolute worse feeling to lose the one you love, especially in life. There is no greater pain and though I know I will heal one day, it changes you when a person breaks your heart.
I am tired of pretending like life is okay.l I am tired of hiding the hurt, the grave disappointment. I am tired of it all. I will not be able to keep it up much longer anyway anyhow. Still I have to work and pretend some more. After all, it is no one's fault here that I feel like I am dying. Like my heart is literally dying. Good Morning I say to all as I come in. How are you? But I don't care how anyone is... I just want to cry and lay in my bed and count down my time left here. I never got how someone comes to not love you any more. I never did that. I never just stopped loving someone. I am kicked away like a dog. That is how Felicia treated me and has been treating me and I have tried to hang on and give it time. I guess that is my problem. I keep trying till it gets so tough and humiliating I am forced to leave. Yesterday someone made a reference about doing something like Felicia and I do. It was the first time I heard that someone wanted to be like us. I said nothing. But that made me both happy and sad. Happy, people see us as love, though it is just me. I read what Nae and Danielle write about their girls and wish Felicia said those things about me. Wrote about loving me. I wish she never wanted to live without me but that is not so.
I asked her when did she start seeing someone else. I knew my heart would break even more but I am trying to be brave. In additiion knowing will help me leave and stay gone. When did she stop loving me I wonder. She promised my heart says. I will not believe anyone's promises again. I told my Mom I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to leave this job right now and just walk home, cry and walk home. I am ashamed to say that in my life, love has never known me. No one, not one of my exes including Felicia has ever loved me. How sad is that. I have lived 38 years and have never known love. Felicia has done and did a lot of things to break my trust. And she has never not talked to me when her Mom was on the phone. I have to move on and today that starts for me, like it or not. When she said I guess we do not sleep together any more after I have always done it to help her, I knew I would try with all I had to walk away. Signed, E
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