It has been two years since I started blogging. So much has changed yet so little of it worthwhile. Where to begin. It's Thanksgiving and I personally take no pleasure in the holidays anymore as it is a constant reminder of what I feel is missing in my life.
I got rid of my earlier blogs because I was being harassed by my girlfriends ex friend/lover or whatever lies people say when they have been intimate with another but gave it no title. My GF is in the military and I did not want to create any problems for her. Anyhow, the woman called my job, my private line. Yes, at 37 I have to endure dumb shit like this. She emailed me and forced my GF to come clean about the nature of them or what was them or is them. Whoever knows who tells the truth anymore. I just remember becoming numb. This happened a while ago, maybe two months but I feel numb again. I am not made for this world. I am tired of the games people play, the dishonesty, the disappointment, just tired.
Still my once biggest hope and joy has almost faded for me. My dreams of having a baby are almost gone. I am trying not to get in a deeper funk but my life appears to be filled with helping people solve their shit both personally and professionally while I struggle through my pains and shortcomings alone. I seldom go anywhere or have the energy to do anything. Tomorrow is Black Friday and I have no desire to shop. Just do not care. And I love to shop which is a big sign of issues for me. I guess shopping can no longer feel the voids in my life.
I should go to work tomorrow except I would lose the time, but who cares really. It would give me something to do.
Currently, my GF and I are looking at new sperm banks as I have refused to let her help me financially and I can no longer afford genius sperm or known donor sperm. I asked her a question about why this sperm bank was so much cheaper compared to others and always everything is turned around on me. I thought you would have found that out she says. What does she do? All she cares about is herself it seems sometimes and I am sick of it. What is the point of being in anything when no one can think of what you can't, fix what you can't, carry you when you can't carry yourself. People are supposed to add to you because if they don't, you are carrying them and that is a burden.
I have so much to consider. If I start to save again then it will delay my maybe getting pregnant. And I am no longer sure of my GF due to a mix of things but basically because she reminds me lately of why I left every relationship. And she has not given me any proof that she no longer financially takes care of her ex. What can I say, life has changed me and blind trust no longer exists for me. She takes my concerns and issues lightly and she shouldn't. I try and tell her that. Who I once was, life and circumstances killed her. Its such a shame too because I loved who I was before disappointments and unpleasant surprises. But I guess that was not the hand I was dealt.
Signed, E
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