Innocence Stolen

Do you remember when you were innocent?  I do.  I remember when I believed everything and anything someone told me.  Why?  I knew of no reason for someone to lie.  After all, my parents were honest and direct much to my sister and my chagrin.  I do not know when disappointments outweighed the happy times yet I know they do now.  I have managed to get much done which is both good and bad.  It is good I am cleaning house and bad I am cleaning house.  What I never wanted to happen has happened.  I never wanted my core being to change by experiences that happened to me, yet here I am.  I was trusting and I am not any more.  I was compassionate, but I do not trust that people's hardships or their stories of woe are sincere.  I was caring, except I am often cold and indifferent.  I can only hope and pray that some of my innocence stolen from people to careless to hold and care for hearts will be found again.   Signed, E

The Masquerade Ball

You could compare my life to a masquerade ball.   I masquerade as not hurt, not bruised, not weathered, damaged, not depressed.  I masquerade as happy until I make it to my car and cry all the way home lately.  I masquerade in so many ways.  Today Felicia became Michelle.  As she sat on the phone I remember how bad it got before with the worse relationship to date in terms of pain till Felicia.  I never thought I could be hurt like this again but here I am.  I remember how bad it got when I stayed.  I remember how bad it is getting for me now.  <sigh>.  I felt like she was all I had, well wanted.  My only love, my happiness, my life.  It is the absolute worse feeling to lose the one you love, especially in life.  There is no greater pain and though I know I will heal one day, it changes you when a person breaks your heart. 

 

I am tired of pretending like life is okay.l  I am tired of hiding the hurt, the grave disappointment.  I am tired of it all.  I will not be able to keep it up much longer anyway anyhow.  Still I have to work and pretend some more.  After all, it is no one's fault here that I feel like I am dying.  Like my heart is literally dying.  Good Morning I say to all as I come in.  How are you?  But I don't care how anyone is...  I just want to cry and lay in my bed and count down my time left here.  I never got how someone comes to not love you any more.  I never did that.  I never just stopped loving someone.  I am kicked away like a dog.  That is how Felicia treated me and has been treating me and I have tried to hang on and give it time.  I guess that is my problem.  I keep trying till it gets so tough and humiliating I am forced to leave.  Yesterday someone made a reference about doing something like Felicia and I do.  It was the first time I heard that someone wanted to be like us.  I said nothing.  But that made me both happy and sad.  Happy, people see us as love,  though it is just me.  I read what Nae and Danielle write about their girls and wish Felicia said those things about me.  Wrote about loving me.  I wish she never wanted to live without me but that is not so.            

 

I asked her when did she start seeing someone else.  I knew my heart would break even more but I am trying to be brave.  In additiion knowing will help me leave and stay gone.  When did she stop loving me I wonder.  She promised my heart says.  I will not believe anyone's promises again.  I told my Mom I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.  I want to leave this job right now and just walk home, cry and walk home.   I am ashamed to say that in my life, love has never known me.  No one, not one of my exes including Felicia has ever loved me.  How sad is that.  I have lived 38 years and have never known love.  Felicia has done and did a lot of things to break my trust.  And she has never not talked to me when her Mom was on the phone.  I have to move on and today that starts for me, like it or not.  When she said I guess we do not sleep together any more after I have always done it to help her, I knew I would try with all I had to walk away.  Signed, E                                                                                                                                 

Oh And.....

I forgot to add I am not pregnant again. I was so sure. This is what started my final fight with my girlfriend. I got the news at my desk and I cried at my desk some. I had to leave work early and then I sobbed all the way home. My GF said to me, "she did not come from a family where they sulked over things." She told me I needed to get over it. I did get over it but not before I went ballistic on her. I cursed her out and I talked about her families pains and what I knew they sulked over.  I was in pain. The hope and wishing almost killed me.  How dare she say that to me.  I could see my kids wrapped around my ankles. I dream about holding them, having them. I see their faces of what I think they will look like.  They would have my eyes and her calm demeanor.  I dreamed of walking them to school.  I know their names.  I screamed at her for not being able to show me any compassion. Its like I lose them every time I think as I cried to her on the phone.   She was like whatever basically.  I see the eggs they put in me though.  Its a life I think. Its a life I cry.  So comes my twelfth try.  Now I wonder do I give up.  They are supposed to be here, my children.  I have to keep trying.  If it kills me I will have them.

Brokenhearted.....

I am trying to keep the tears from coming again.  Seems like I am always crying at my desk.  My desk has seen a lot of sadness, tears from me......  I cannot believe she broke my heart.  Well, she has, several times.  Spent a minute looking for a smiley face that would show a weak smile because that is what the thought of Felicia breaking my heart does for me.  It makes me smile but sadly smile.  You know glad it happened but sad its over I guess.  

Hurt and pain appears to be my life.  "Love you like a brother, treat you like a friend, respect you like a lover" is playing in my ears as I try to keep my composure.  I sent her this song too.....  which she did not download.  "Even when the sky keeps falling and even when the sun don't shine, I got faith in you and I".  I did have faith.   It says "this love is a sure thang".  She told me she would not have sex with me I am embarrassed to say if I would not use toys or try something new.  Some one is always trying to make me be something I am not.  I am sure my parents will be happy.  I am sure everyone will be, deep down.   The tears came.  I could not stop them.  I am trying to make sure no one can see me crying.  Crying at my desk, again.  Should I go to the bathroom AGAIN.  How many times have I cried at my desk ABOUT her.  My sister is so nice.  Just take a step away she said.  We are not in an argument I think to myself.  She is not trying to meet my emotional needs and has become cold and callous towards me.  I do not need it I know.  I am not letting her sister treat me any type of way either.  I will not.  She should love me or care about me enough to demand respect of me.  I would and do for her....  I need to get her truck to her and get my old car to me pronto.   

So I made it through the day and now I can cry in peace.  No one ever loves me like I love them.  No one.  Not my family and not her.  I guess it will have to be okay because I do not want to hurt Felicia and I want her to be happy.  If I know nothing else, I know through experience, if someone does not want you any more, you have to leave.  They will hurt you if you don't.  If she does not love me any more I want her to find what she needs.  I wish it were me but I do not always get what I want.  I am heartbroken.  I would have always loved her.  Always.  Thats just me.  I always find a way to remember love.  It is my secret.  

I only told my sister and my one friend about this oh and my boss.  So she can expect a weird mood from me from here on out.  My one sure thang, my love, my life is gone.  I am not ready to talk about it as I will cry like I am now.  Nothing works out for me really that involves another.  

The upside is Martin asked me out today.  He is new to my fan club.  I have no problem getting people but people use me up and then leave.  Martin told me I was beautiful.  I did not care.  I do not want to hear it from him.  I am not starved for attention.  I want one woman only.  Well I guess its good I am getting close to the end of the story.  All I hear is her saying I forgot to call you.  I never forgot her.  I never would.  Forgiveness, even if you do not love me any more Felicia.  

I should know better....

Rumor around my job is I am pregnant. Boy I hope so but getting hopes up devastate. I could be offended bc it could be a sign of weight gain but people who see me outside of work garb ask am I losing weight so I am not SO PISSED OFF. After trying for three years I cannot wait to tell people I am pregnant. What if I am? I have promised not to take pregnancy tests prematurely and I won't. I am going to wait and let the blood test tell me. I feel no different. I am very happy but that is for a bunch of reasons. One, I am not letting my GF irritate me. Two, I am not dealing with any one or any situation that is not handled with maturity. Three, fuck my job and I pretty much told my boss that. I am not doing what she says anymore or my other one million bosses. Four, people who are of personal drain and downers have just been sent virtual divorce decrees. I no longer need some people. Its not personal they just drain me and I do not need it. I have work to do. I want to be a better me, so I can be a fabulous Mom and a fabulous person.

Thanks television stations btw for all of the dumb ass shows because I will definitely be reading alot. I hate reality shows and thanks to you, the kids I am able to conceive will never watch an IDIOT BOX! Fingers crossed for pregnancy!

Eleven Tries

I am tough. I never knew it before but after this process I realize I am tough. Today I went through my third egg transfer and I made it. I have tried to conceive since 2008. ELEVEN TIMES I have tried. I have faith that I will be pregnant soon. I admit I am bitter it has taken so long but a positive pregnancy test will cure that for me. What will I do? How will I live? How will I offer my child stability. I do not know any of that yet. This time I am just going to wait. Not patiently but wait.

How to Heal after a Break-up

There is only one thing to do when you are dying of a broken heart.  Work.  Work harder and harder.  This is the time to accomplish pushed aside goals.  Eventually time does the rest.  I will start to work from home again and all hours.  Today I just have to stay in bed.  Today I cannot breathe or feel.  Numb.  

My most recent ex sent me a three sentence email about how she was not ready for me to be gone.  But you tell me,  if all you have to say is three statements I would speculate you are more ready than you think. <weak smile>.  I have to get going because she will take her car back soon and she will go on and probably give it back to her ex and that will be really hard on me.  Not the car but the ex.  I have my own cars.  For several reasons I just do not want to share that pain or the pain I have carried really the course of this relationship.  All I can try and do is be still now and hope one day someone will want to be with me minus unattractive psycho sisters, young women calling my job and someone who is not carrying every hurt they have experienced in life and putting it on me.  Why can't people utilize psychotherapy when needed I wonder.  But then I didn't know once I could use it.  

I have to give up hopes of a two parent family for the child I am trying to conceive but "sweet child to be", please know I tried everything to create you out of love with someone else, another Mom.  This however, has given me an idea.  I will write my "children to be" letters.  It is a way I can stay positive and a way they will know how much I loved and wanted to have them.  That can keep me busy too......   

Failing....

My friend is always talking about being a failure because her marriage did not last. Well try being gay and not getting a woman to commit to you or even want to. Try dating someone for years and for nothing to come of it. At least she can divorce, at least there is some sign or show that someone once cared. She has a sheet of paper that it ended at least. I am left holding my own hand and trying to keep my heart from breaking. Try loving someone who is obsessed with their sister and who is a habitual liar and terribly immature and still loving them. Try that. Try trying to be good to someone and possibly what they need, their one time reliable love and they still do not want you. Try listening to someone tell you they finally know you care because you show pain or hurt when things go awry. Then try listening to someone who you love never defend you or honor you and hides you. Try that.

I am not going to try again. Homosexual relationships are just too hard on my heart. Try fighting all the time about an ex for once that I do not love intimately. Try finally getting to a place where my heart can love one woman and it still not being good enough. Failing, my friend does not know shit about it.

I am in love........

Today we received the "lifetime photos" for our sperm donor. I was so excited to receive the pics that I parked in my driveway to tear open the package. Take a deep breath I think and I do. I open the package to see this young man I will one day thank for helping me possibly create my family. He seems happy which makes me happy. I love him instantly, happy he is helping me. He probably has no idea how grateful I am to him. I must say, thank you God, Yahweh, Buddha, Universe, etc........ THANK YOU! Our son or daughter could have this natural kindness, happiness I pray. I get so hopeful each time..... However, if you are like my Mom and others, you are a skeptic and think pictures lie. Pictures tell you nothing. I don't believe that though. I know from his face and his live interview he is thoughtful and loving and if those are genes then our baby will inherit that! I also note he seems a bit sad on his latest picture and I wonder why. Well I know why, with age comes a certain loss of freedom. You cannot be oblivious to pains forever. I think about his pics a little more. Then I hurriedly took pics to send to my airmen/woman, GF. I should wait to wake her. But what the hell, I could not wait. She is five hours behind me but I know she wants to see him too. We seldom agree on much but INSTANTLY we both loved this donor. His young face seems warm I tell my GF, just as his voice did. She says he is cute. Yep, he is but I am more interested in that happy piece. As she asks about the various pics (you get pics from all stages of life), I pray. Please let this be the one, let ten be my lucky number, oh and let me have twins so I do not have to go through the needles again;-). If I am gonna ask for favors, may as well do it big....hehe! So basically what you can learn about a donor is cryobank dependent. You can get quite a few things to help you make your decision. God knows I went from having a team of friends to thin out my searches to flat out refusing donors that were not "genius" sperm. Genius sperm means they have a doctorate in something. I was worried since we know so little about genes that I did not want to sell them short on wits. I was nuts with deciding at first. Frankly, I was getting overwhelmed very quickly when my Mom called and had me watch an Oprah show regarding donor conceived children. I was horrified at how angry some, well really all, except for one of these offsprings were. I also did not really like the "genius" sperm donors. They seemed callous, did it for money. Simply stated, they FELT WRONG! I quickly changed my focus. My choice in donors came down to three things, disease states, how willing I thought they would be if our child wanted to meet them and one question. That one question weighed a lot because at the end of the day, I want a child who can be happy. The question is what would you say to your offspring if you could say one thing. You would be surprised what some will say but basically our sperm donor said what is my basic philosophy, "To thine own self be true." And he looked forward to meeting them one day. I did not want a donor who wanted to parent but I also did not want a donor who would be insane at meeting a child.

I guess I want to send a personal thank you to men who donate sperm. I hope they understand their sperm could possibly go to a lesbian or a lesbian couple like me. I really appreciate all the donors whose sperm I have used in my efforts to create my baby too. Now in a few more weeks, I will start this journey again and maybe ten will be it for me. Fingers and toes crossed!

Stay Classy, E

Another day in the life of infertility

Maybe you wanted to laugh today. If so, don’t read my post. I am not feeling funny. Today seemed like I watched myself outside of my body as I made it through work. I saw me but I wasn’t there. I guess you need some background on how I became this seemingly mess of a person. I am a 38 year old lesbian trying to conceive. My life has been consumed with conceiving to no avail for almost three years. People love to tell you to never give up but I wish they would shut the F#$K up! I am a woman who succeeds. Whatever I want, I work at it and I get it. That is my genetic make up. I decide it, and it shall be. Well, it was who I was…… Its unfortunate and very humbling for me trying to conceive as I was trained and reared to be successful. Who knew there were miracles? Real miracles on earth! I guess I know now, because making a baby really appears to be miraculous as there is nothing I can do, no test I can pass, nothing I can eat, no one I can pay to conceive, nothing to bring me my baby I so desperately want.

So today I met with RE, Reproductive Endocrinologist again to go over what happened. I fought to not stare out the window and pay attention. But frankly I am bored with the details. I just want my baby. I listen how we would implant more eggs in me this time and how I would hopefully get better eggs. I studied eggs all night and how they multiply after fertilization. They grade eggs you know. Anyhow, the finale of the story is I will start giving myself shots in the butt again and shots in my stomach sometime in November. I do not know how I felt about it. I guess the appointment went well, but I am pass caring about the process. I am looking for my results. Instead of say this to my doctor though, I do what I always do. I smiled gracefully and said thank you and left. But this is just the infertility part of me. There is so much more to my life these days like “the relationship”…. But you just met me so tune in for more on how my life unfolds.

And stay classy,
E