Brokenhearted.....

I am trying to keep the tears from coming again.  Seems like I am always crying at my desk.  My desk has seen a lot of sadness, tears from me......  I cannot believe she broke my heart.  Well, she has, several times.  Spent a minute looking for a smiley face that would show a weak smile because that is what the thought of Felicia breaking my heart does for me.  It makes me smile but sadly smile.  You know glad it happened but sad its over I guess.  

Hurt and pain appears to be my life.  "Love you like a brother, treat you like a friend, respect you like a lover" is playing in my ears as I try to keep my composure.  I sent her this song too.....  which she did not download.  "Even when the sky keeps falling and even when the sun don't shine, I got faith in you and I".  I did have faith.   It says "this love is a sure thang".  She told me she would not have sex with me I am embarrassed to say if I would not use toys or try something new.  Some one is always trying to make me be something I am not.  I am sure my parents will be happy.  I am sure everyone will be, deep down.   The tears came.  I could not stop them.  I am trying to make sure no one can see me crying.  Crying at my desk, again.  Should I go to the bathroom AGAIN.  How many times have I cried at my desk ABOUT her.  My sister is so nice.  Just take a step away she said.  We are not in an argument I think to myself.  She is not trying to meet my emotional needs and has become cold and callous towards me.  I do not need it I know.  I am not letting her sister treat me any type of way either.  I will not.  She should love me or care about me enough to demand respect of me.  I would and do for her....  I need to get her truck to her and get my old car to me pronto.   

So I made it through the day and now I can cry in peace.  No one ever loves me like I love them.  No one.  Not my family and not her.  I guess it will have to be okay because I do not want to hurt Felicia and I want her to be happy.  If I know nothing else, I know through experience, if someone does not want you any more, you have to leave.  They will hurt you if you don't.  If she does not love me any more I want her to find what she needs.  I wish it were me but I do not always get what I want.  I am heartbroken.  I would have always loved her.  Always.  Thats just me.  I always find a way to remember love.  It is my secret.  

I only told my sister and my one friend about this oh and my boss.  So she can expect a weird mood from me from here on out.  My one sure thang, my love, my life is gone.  I am not ready to talk about it as I will cry like I am now.  Nothing works out for me really that involves another.  

The upside is Martin asked me out today.  He is new to my fan club.  I have no problem getting people but people use me up and then leave.  Martin told me I was beautiful.  I did not care.  I do not want to hear it from him.  I am not starved for attention.  I want one woman only.  Well I guess its good I am getting close to the end of the story.  All I hear is her saying I forgot to call you.  I never forgot her.  I never would.  Forgiveness, even if you do not love me any more Felicia.