tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39955601810897260722012-02-16T07:15:52.138-06:00Life experiences of a Lesbian and all that comes with it, going through artificial insemination and just trying to live a normal peaceful life whatever that is.................ELLEnoreply@blogger.comBlogger201100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-77588718863002106152011-04-23T16:09:00.000-05:002011-04-23T16:10:09.124-05:00

Do you remember when you were innocent?  I do.  I remember when I believed everything and anything someone told me.  Why?  I knew of no reason for someone to lie.  After all, my parents were honest and direct much to my sister and my chagrin.  I do not know when disappointments outweighed the happy times yet I know they do now.  I have managed to get much done which is both good and bad.  It is

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-5135063108696898752011-04-17T07:28:00.001-05:002011-04-17T07:28:56.542-05:00

You could compare my life to a masquerade ball.   I masquerade as not hurt, not bruised, not weathered, damaged, not depressed.  I masquerade as happy until I make it to my car and cry all the way home lately.  I masquerade in so many ways.  Today Felicia became Michelle.  As she sat on the phone I remember how bad it got before with the worse relationship to date in terms of pain till Felicia. 

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-55593730358401260082011-04-08T20:14:00.000-05:002011-04-08T20:14:16.813-05:00

I forgot to add I am not pregnant again. I was so sure. This is what started my final fight with my girlfriend. I got the news at my desk and I cried at my desk some. I had to leave work early and then I sobbed all the way home. My GF said to me, "she did not come from a family where they sulked over things." She told me I needed to get over it. I did get over it but not before I went

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-73114799352950091792011-04-08T19:43:00.001-05:002011-04-08T19:43:34.291-05:00

I am trying to keep the tears from coming again.  Seems like I am always crying at my desk.  My desk has seen a lot of sadness, tears from me......  I cannot believe she broke my heart.  Well, she has, several times.  Spent a minute looking for a smiley face that would show a weak smile because that is what the thought of Felicia breaking my heart does for me.  It makes me smile but sadly smile.

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-67932771618327242632011-03-22T20:50:00.000-05:002011-03-22T20:50:15.832-05:00

Rumor around my job is I am pregnant. Boy I hope so but getting hopes up devastate. I could be offended bc it could be a sign of weight gain but people who see me outside of work garb ask am I losing weight so I am not SO PISSED OFF. After trying for three years I cannot wait to tell people I am pregnant. What if I am? I have promised not to take pregnancy tests prematurely and I won't. I

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-62853888179128248622011-03-19T17:48:00.000-05:002011-03-19T17:48:20.000-05:00

I am tough. I never knew it before but after this process I realize I am tough. Today I went through my third egg transfer and I made it. I have tried to conceive since 2008. ELEVEN TIMES I have tried. I have faith that I will be pregnant soon. I admit I am bitter it has taken so long but a positive pregnancy test will cure that for me. What will I do? How will I live? How will I offer

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-16740814057689585122010-10-31T12:12:00.001-05:002010-10-31T12:12:47.389-05:00

There is only one thing to do when you are dying of a broken heart.  Work.  Work harder and harder.  This is the time to accomplish pushed aside goals.  Eventually time does the rest.  I will start to work from home again and all hours.  Today I just have to stay in bed.  Today I cannot breathe or feel.  Numb.   My most recent ex sent me a three sentence email about how she was not ready for me

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-52895410865650122232010-10-30T19:31:00.000-05:002010-10-30T19:31:05.344-05:00

My friend is always talking about being a failure because her marriage did not last. Well try being gay and not getting a woman to commit to you or even want to. Try dating someone for years and for nothing to come of it. At least she can divorce, at least there is some sign or show that someone once cared. She has a sheet of paper that it ended at least. I am left holding my own hand and

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-30594171585108739282010-10-24T14:36:00.001-05:002010-10-24T14:41:41.687-05:00

Today we received the "lifetime photos" for our sperm donor. I was so excited to receive the pics that I parked in my driveway to tear open the package. Take a deep breath I think and I do. I open the package to see this young man I will one day thank for helping me possibly create my family. He seems happy which makes me happy. I love him instantly, happy he is helping me. He probably

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-26123405558124992392010-10-23T18:53:00.000-05:002010-10-23T18:53:57.811-05:00

Maybe you wanted to laugh today. If so, don’t read my post. I am not feeling funny. Today seemed like I watched myself outside of my body as I made it through work. I saw me but I wasn’t there. I guess you need some background on how I became this seemingly mess of a person. I am a 38 year old lesbian trying to conceive. My life has been consumed with conceiving to no avail for almost three years

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-15445361190458403752010-09-17T20:13:00.000-05:002010-09-17T20:13:25.384-05:00

My GF slept in another room the night before my procedure. The day of the procedure she was okay with the exception of some rude and inappropriate comments. The day after the procedure she spends most of her time on the phone or on the internet in another room. I guess its safe to say its over for me. I cannot do it any more. When she leaves I am not taking her calls or any thing. I need a

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-62370664985780868702010-04-17T14:47:00.001-05:002010-09-17T20:09:22.347-05:00

I have fifty million projects and I suddenly get what life will be for me. I have sat around all day for a fucking handyman who never showed. When my GF comes to town she takes care of none of these things for me or helps in any way. But she is geeked to go to Hawaii, her next permanent station to live for three years. She is geeked over some award she is getting and completely self absorbed

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-54613462606875034072010-04-17T14:27:00.000-05:002010-04-17T14:27:25.877-05:00

She just asked me was it over. Sure it is. She acts like she could care less. I am getting emails and she could care less. I am so disappointed.

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-77347644037807746122010-04-17T14:26:00.003-05:002010-10-23T18:57:12.639-05:00

Without asking I read this email where my GF is complimentary of Jerico. I am very suspicious of this. She barely has any compassion to me but she talks to all these people who I know nothing about. She is looking for an apartment. She does not mention it. So much, I have to read about and I resent it. I need to think. This time I am not going to tell her I am thinking but I am going to get

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-13138272784598937612010-04-17T14:26:00.002-05:002010-10-23T18:55:36.020-05:00

My GF calls me and tells me I do not have to be rude to her.

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-32865859118475098502010-04-17T14:25:00.002-05:002010-10-24T15:41:18.837-05:00

I have a headache. Life is wearing me down. An effort is made for everything. I mean seriously. I cannot get a thing done. My GF is a facebook nazi which is certainly on my flipping nerve. My parents are being lousy. My sister though is happy. That's nice. I have a new boss who is needy and a staff that is crazy. I have no gotdamn time for it. I have no time for life. I am depressed.

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-25145219760374891852010-04-17T14:24:00.000-05:002010-04-17T14:24:55.795-05:00

For the most part I cannot bare the thought of spending any time with my significant other's family ever. I do not want to even do it for an hour. I see my partner's sister emailed her but does not ask about me or send holiday wishes to me. The level of disrespect starts there. Nor can I feel anything for someone who is so cowardly. She acted a fool today and I will not forget it, no matter

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-24190481575724546902010-04-17T10:00:00.001-05:002010-04-17T10:00:11.699-05:00

Today my GF tells me her sister is in town. I ask did she bring the rest of the family with her. She said no, she left her daughter. I ask why would she leave her daughter and she replies she always does that. I ask my GF does she think that is appropriate for her niece's age. She said it depends on the circumstances. I think it does not. I was instantly perturbed. Especially after seeing

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-52790824394904233762009-11-28T11:27:00.000-06:002009-11-28T11:27:17.020-06:00

In Malcolm Gladwell's book, Outliers, it does and in my relationship I think age matters. Though my GF is only a few months younger than me, she would have been a grade behind me too. We entered adulthood therefore at different times. We therefore handle life's situations very different. Yes everyone gets to be different but some things I just cannot take at almost 38. I am close to leaving

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995560181089726072.post-59631418005887018622009-11-26T19:24:00.000-06:002009-11-26T19:24:57.007-06:00

It has been two years since I started blogging. So much has changed yet so little of it worthwhile. Where to begin. It's Thanksgiving and I personally take no pleasure in the holidays anymore as it is a constant reminder of what I feel is missing in my life. I got rid of my earlier blogs because I was being harassed by my girlfriends ex friend/lover or whatever lies people say when they have

ELLEnoreply@blogger.com0